hope, grief, faith in light of much time passing

In 1987, I was an unmarried pregnant teen. My parents were just getting divorced and in the chaos, I escaped unnoticed to California to hide out.
I had been warned not to come home if I was pregnant.

In the worst circumstances, I did not see how I could manage. I asked for counsel and people said, If I really loved God, my son then I would give him a decent start and give him to an adoptive couple. I tried to find another way. In the end there were too many forces driving me to this and not enough influence to help me keep him.

In the end, a couple said they loved God, were Christian and would let my son know me and raise him in the Christian godly way. Sadly this was not true. I told my family who supported my decision to get my son, who was 5 months old. Initially the potential adoptive couple said they would return my son but their family intervened and it became a battle in court.

I lost in the first court battle because they were friends with the judge. I had gotten married and had another child and was getting very weary of being in court, missing out on my sons life and being a new mom to my daughter and wife.

I decided that I could not go on anymore and I prayed like Gideon. God, if I see my son then I should keep fighting in court and know that you will bring him back. If I don't see him, then I should just forget about him for now and be at peace and know you will take care of him. I knew that I would not see my son because I hadn't seen him since he was 8 months old when the court ordered the potential adoptive family to let me visit.

He was now 18 months old.

Two days later, I walked into a bank and saw my son running around. I held my infant daughter in my arms. When the potential adoptive mother saw me, she ran and grabbed my son and ran out of the bank.

This was a sign to me that God would return my son.
when I lost at the appeal, I did not understand the word. It had seemed so clear. The 3 panel judges told me, we would give you your son back, there is no reason he should be adopted but because he is now 2 1/2 years old, it is too late. this is what the potential adopters wanted, to drag things on until there could be no other decision.

But God's decision is above all of this.
My son turn 30 years old on November 26 this year. It is a matter of grieving that he and i have missed out on a loving relationship all these years, and having faith in God that he is working things together for good in my life because I love him. It has not been easy. Many times I thought grief would swallow up my life.

I have seen how Father God feels when people misrepresent him to the world. How we say, don't have a relationship with God because He is not good and wants to be mean. But in reality he is a good God. I am no where as holy as God. But I am trying to keep my heart open to my son.I am trying to walk everyday with forgiveness to the adopters. towards the judge who is now deceased. towards all the people involved who pushed these rank concepts at God at me in order that their agenda happened and certainly not God's.

If you think I am strong for walking through this, then you don't know. You don't know the hidden grief and the non-stop faith and hope I have.  If I never get to enjoy a relationship with my son in this life, I know that in heaven there will be time to joyfully celebrate.

In the mean time, the waiting time for God to move, the time where the word of the Lord tests me like it tested Joseph, Psalms 105:19 Until the time that his word [of prophecy regarding his brothers] came true, The word of the Lord tested and refined him. in the wait time, there is much to do. There is much for Father God to do in me and through me. So that is the task before me. To not lose hope, not grow weary of doing good, of walking in forgiveness and love and to know that I cannot do it on my own strength and power.