Loss or perceived loss of these three in a week can really put you into a deep black hole. This is where I have been since last Saturday, nearly a week now.
Love-was doing great with my relationship with Father God and watched a video on Father's heart. One quote seemed good on the surface.Become a little girl and him.become Big Father. This arrow shot into my heart and reminded me of too many times my cries as a child were unanswered. How I could not count on being seen individually for my own needs or preference. I felt abandoned, rejected and ignored and I'm supposed to apply this to Father God and find comfort in it. No, I feel devastated. I feel like all my petitions, some going back decades have been ignored. I feel I am on my own to survive.
Second, a friend, who admire all the things I like about myself, suddenly stopped talking to me. I had asked for them to be a little gentle because I couldn't have such intense debates, with me coming out as LOSER and ENEMY and I didn't like it.
Then a friend of mine commented that he pictures that the whole world waits breathless for when the 'Talent that is Me' will emerge, not as helping showcase someone elses talent. I have been working hard to make this happen but I feel I won't succeed. I will run out of time, money and life before it happens.
So the key areas I believe are essential to live were accosted. I just feel depressed. My face hurts from holding in grief. I'm not thinking because it doesn't help. I can't untangle how terrible I feel.
I have been quiet. Just waiting until I could start to think again. I felt to share this without any answers, without any solution because often life feels like this.
I have been waiting for so long for answers, poised to receive the blessings.
I have hoped but there has been no response.
I am starting to come out of this dark, black hopelessness. I am asking God what is happening. What is the deal?
All I have heard from God is what if none of the damaging things ever happened? What would your life look like?
And wisdom off a t-shirt I saw-Now is a good time for a new beginning.
Moeby,
ReplyDeleteThanks for having the courage to share what most people feel but don't dare say. I can relate to having a person I care about say or do something that feels like a criticism, a rejection, a withholding of love, and damn it, that is the definition of PAIN. Sometimes well meaning people say well, meaning but horrible things. Try as best you can to see that it is not about you at all. Its their stuff. They are a work in progress and they haven't yet learned how to be a good friend to you. They haven't learned how deliver messages wrapped in love. If there is a grain of truth in the carelessly delivered message, see how you can use it to your benefit. Thank them and tell them that after reeling from the way it was delivered, you appreciate their intention to help.
As I read your open letter, I also relate to the fear of failing at what you are setting out to do. It takes massive courage to dream, to take steps and to do it. That you dare to do it anyway is getting you one step closer to fulfilling your path. Forget trying to use someone else's judgement of success. It is subjective and doesn't even matter. You are an experiment that will only yield results if you get in that lab and start to try and fail a few times. Once, I chatted with the founder of very successful worldwide clothing brand. I asked him how it felt to be so succesful that wherever he went in the world, his brand could be found. He said, "it still surprises me that it worked, since I failed at my first 6 companies."
So go for the failures, and who knows, you might end up with a success along the way. You will surely never know if you dont give it a shot.
I want to tell you that as your sister, I am soooo in awe of your courage to live the life you are conciously designing. Just today, while I was swimming with dolpins, I met a new friend who was making a major life change ,and to inspire her along the way, I told her about you!
So whether you know it or not, as far away as Hawaii, your life is making a difference.
You are precious and just perfectly perfect. Distance yourself from the negativity and remember you are a divine creation. You're on your way.
Wow, thank you for your encouraging words. I love you a lot.
DeleteMichelle
ReplyDeleteI too love you for your courage and I too share you and your story and your life with people that you will never even know and probably never meet. Your story inspires them, your story inspires me. I love you dear friend.
Its encouarging to read your words. Thank you. Sending hugs and love
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